This is pulled directly from a conversation I had with one Former University of Northern Iowa Student Body Vice President/Master Chicago Comedian/Future L.A. superstar hair stylist Ian Goldsmith (pronounced EE-yan).
No more fluff, lets get into it: THE POOP-CON SCALE
My rough ideas on the topic:
Poop-con 5: standard level of poop readiness. A poo is incoming eventually, but it can wait. Can be held for a significant amount of time in a road trip situation.
Poop-con 4: moderate level of poop readiness. Poop-con 4 is typically reached after spending time at poop-con 5. Still classified as a standard poo with increased urgency. In a road trip scenario a bathroom break should now officially be planned.
Poop-con 3: significant level of poop readiness. Poop-con 3 is reached by ignoring poop-con 4, mild diarrhea or multiple poops with a short time period. In a road trip scenario a bathroom break should be taken at the next opportunity.
Poop-con 2: extreme level of poop readiness. Poop-con 2 is the highest level of standard poo, also known as 'prairie doggin'. It can also be reached via moderate to severe diarrhea. At this level a poop is imminent. In a road trip scenario if a bathroom is not immediately available the side of the road will need to be used.
Poop-con 1: maximum Level of poop readiness. Poop-con 1 can be reached via extreme diarrhea or stealth poo*. At this level a bathroom will no longer be able to be reached and any pants will likely be soiled. In a road trip scenario a shower/change of clothes is highly recommended (required in some states).
Poop-con 0: bonus. You have dysentery, consultant a doctor immediately.
*Stealth poo: a poop that is undetected until it is already exiting the bowels
Wow, that's some great information. We're not done yet though:
Just came up with a new poop-con level
Poop-con G: gastastrophy. The state of having massive gas build up resulting in many farts of various sizes and stenches. Poop-con G may lead to obfuscation of the standard poop-con scale. Use caution in Roadtrip scenarios.
Poop-con level D: the d is for dingleberry.
More really useful stuff here. Still not done:
Just thought of something to add to the poop-con index, LSF: lingering stink factor. It's a rating scale, from low to high.
LSF 0: at a factor of zero there is no smell based evidence a poop even occurred, throw it an after poop spray and it might even smell good. Threat level: none.
LSF 1: you can't say for sure that a poop recently occurred in this location, even with a detailed scientific analysis. Threat level: non-zero, but too low to be worth mentioning
LSF 2: a poop can be detected by the bare nose at this level, but it is still mild. Threat level: very low. A poop was had recently in the area but it shouldn't stop you from handling your own business.
LSF 3: a smelly poop occurred in the immediate vicinity recently. Threat level: moderate. Persons at a high poop-con level may want to consider a different location or wait for the stench to dissipate. A bathroom with high airflow can make short work of this stink.
LSF 4: a very smelly poop occurred fairly recently. Threat level: high. If at poop-con 3 or higher this bathroom should be avoided. Stink will take some time to dissipate even with good airflow.
LSF 5: extraordinarily stinky poop occurred at some point. Threat level: very high. The poop that caused this stink was probably cataclysmic. It is entirely possible the person who took that poop did not survive. do not attempt to use this bathroom under any circumstance. Call the proper authorities and let the professionals handle it. DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO!
You are now informed! Spread the word!
